I MEAN YOU
by viflow
Summary: With his whole body, slowly, Arthur turned toward Merlin, eyes never leaving his, he stepped even closer until he was toe to toe with him. His soul vibrated, bright, alight with excitement and anticipation and with the expansiveness of his love when he realised the desperate hope and miles of love burning in the other man's eyes. s02e04 related


**I always wanted to write about this scene because actually it was the first time Merthur struck me in the face. The title was inspired by one of my favorite vid by MagicalUnicorn22, you can watch it on youtube.**

* * *

Unable to keep his lips from sliding into a fond smile he was watching him.

''Oh, what's that wilderreon eating? It's alright. It's just Merlin. ''

Arthur's laugh was genuine and rich.

He was melting.

 _How could he not?_ It was illegal being so cute and damn admirable as Merlin. If he had been a weaker man and not trained since birth to control his feelings, he would have kissed Merlin senseless straight and right away.

But he caught himself before he could do something irreversibly stupid. Though, it still took a focused effort trying to still the rapid pounding of his heart. It was irrational, Arthur knew- his reaction to Merlin, the intensity of his feelings for him- but he rarely felt rational around Merlin anymore.

''You tried to get both of us killed?'' Merlin went on grumbling with wide eyes.

Still smiling Arthur said. ''I'm sorry. I shouldn't have risked your life like that.''

For a moment both of them looked awkwardly away. Then lifting his head Arthur stared at Merlin and swallowed hard as his heart has skipped a beat. Merlin looked gorgeous and made him feel like a fumbling fool.

Merlin's mouth twitched. The plump curve of his lips turned into a lopsided smile, igniting a fresh spark of fondness and desire.

''Ah, they do say... love... makes you do strange things.'' He said mildly and a bit teasy.

Arthur's stomach clutched and twisted, the breath caught in his chest as the warning bells rang loud in his head.

'' What are you talking about?'' He heard himself blurting the question out in a panicked rush, eyes flickering over Merlin's face, looking for signs.

Merlin's grin was quick and bright. "Why can't you just admit your feelings for Gwen?"

Arthur felt the air rush back into his chest. _Thank God, he doesn't know then._

Covering up his relief, he shook his head and rolled his eyes, huffing out a breath.

Then he swung, showing his back to Merlin he bent in excuse to retrieve his sword because he needed to control the shaking of his hands -and because his knees were just a little weak.

 _Damn. That had been foolish,_ Arthur berated himself. _The trouble of letting yourself relax,_ he reminded himself, _that all sorts of troublesome feelings could get loose and sneak out, biting you in the back._

He made himself take another careful breath before turning and facing Merlin again.

''It's so obvious. A blind man can see it. Is it really that hard to admit you like her? Just say it.'' Merlin demanded, looking at Arthur expectantly.

The words were choking in Arthur's throat. Words too heavy, too tedious, too dangerous to speak. He shuddered a breath in, hoping that Merlin couldn't hear the labour in his lungs.

''I can't." he shouted, looking into those too blue, too earnest eyes. And though his heart twisted at the desperate look in the other man's eyes- he began to spoke in riddles as he often does.

''How can I admit that I think about her all the time? Or that I care about her more than anyone? How can I admit that I don't know what I'd do if any harm comes to her?''

Merlin inclined his head ''Why can't you?'' he asked, looking beseechingly at Arthur.

''Because nothing can ever happen between us!'' Arthur yelled his pain into the world, holding out his arms in defeat.

He was studying Merlin's face and his heart broke a little for both of them.

" To admit my feelings, knowing that –" he broke off, each inhale a burn in the back of his throat. "Hurts-too much."

"Who is to say nothing can happen?" Merlin countered, scowling at him.

"My father won't let me rescue a servant. Do you honestly believe he'd let me marry one?" A _man_ , in top of that, the voice in Arthur's head added.

Merlin's eyebrows ran into his hairline. "Do you want to marry Gwen?" he asked with wide, wondering eyes.

"No. No... "

The denial busted out of him, uncontrollable, but he caught himself before anymore words let his mouth to alert Merlin to the chaos in his mind.

 _Of course not, I want you and would marry you if I could_ , was the only thought really existing in Arthur's mind. The only thing Arthur wanted to say.

But Arthur was not the man to believe in the possibility of something impossible. No matter how desperately he wanted it to be possible. He was too much of a Prince, a Pendragon, a soldier to allow himself that delusion.

''– I don't know." He added hesitantly instead.

Merlin held out his hands, palms-up, his face crumbled. His mouth sagged down, like the weight of Arthur's words was too much for him to bear. Arthur couldn't help but feel like he just destroyed something, smashed it to pieces and stomped on the shards.

He couldn't look at Merlin now. Couldn't bear that dejected expression, not with the ache in his heart. He turned his head away and looked down at the ground. Shaking his head at himself, for a second he closed his eyes tightly. His mind was static-buzzed and out of balance.

Everything was messy and out of balance.

He should have known that he wouldn't be able to control the situation. He should never have even started this conversation.

Hadn't he learned already that often enough just by looking at him, Merlin could stop his heart in a second and have Arthur on his knees in two? _Would he never learn?_

He took a deep breath, shying away from the emotions waging war inside him and looked Merlin right in the face.

"It's all talk and that's all it can ever be."

''When you are King, you could change that.'' Merlin declared in answer to that with a look of fierce determination on his face.

His eyes flashed on Arthur's with a power that jarred. Then his eyes changed, softened and lightened with a hope that was hard to resist.

Something seemed to be slipping out of Arthur's hands. Merlin's words had an old, deeply buried longing, a dream- about having Merlin as his equal, his partner, his lover- battling for air, but he batted it away.

He managed a small, dismissive laugh, though it nearly stuck in his suddenly dry throat.

"I can't expect Guinevere to wait for me. " He said, after a moment. His tone was a little gruff, and he looked away again, staring down at his fumbling hands.

...

His face still turned away, Arthur sensed rather than saw Merlin walking toward him and stopping within an arm reach from him.

''If he feels as you do. He'll wait for you.'' Merlin said and something in his tone had Arthur looking up at him.

He turned his head slowly and looked directly into Merlin's eyes.

Arthur realized he was afraid to breathe as if in that second Merlin would disappear.

Merlin was watching him now, his wonderful eyes very focused, very intense. His face was flushed, his chest heaved, his smile dazzling and radiant. And Arthur wondered if he'd ever seen anything as devastatingly beautiful as Merlin.

Longing snaked through him so quickly, so sharp Arthur winced.

It was his eyes, so feverishly bright, so blue, so depthless, Arthur felt he could blissfully drown in them. He actually wondered how was it he could still stand.

Then Merlin's word registered.

..

 **HE**. **He** 'll wait for you, if **He**.. .

It excited and thrilled him beyond reason, _that_ single word. A quick, involuntary shiver of happiness sparked through him.

With his whole body, slowly, Arthur turned toward Merlin, eyes never leaving his, he stepped even closer until he was toe to toe with him.

His soul vibrated, bright, alight with excitement and anticipation and with the expansiveness of his love, and his heart soared when he realised the desperate hope and miles of love, burning in the other man's eyes.

"Hi," Merlin smiled at him crooked and tentative. " I'm Merlin. You could stop this facade Arthur and address me properly."

Arthur felt his mouth move, lift in the corners. He came perilously close to laugh. _Of course Merlin would see right through his ruse._

 _Merlin_ , who knew him better than he did himself.

Both his body and his mind betrayed him and Arthur surrendered as he was beaten by his own heart.

''Damn it Merlin.'' He sighed and shook his head. "I knew you'd be trouble the first time I laid eyes on you... and I knew I'd end up wanting you."

Merlin's smile was slow and entreating. He leaned forward and brushed his fingers over Arthur's cheeks. " And I knew you'd be an unberable prat. And still... I was drawn to you like bugs to candlelight." He said softly with a slight wonder in his voice.

Arthur caught Merlin's hand before he could pull it away and pressed his cheeks into Merlin's long fingers, his thumb stroking the inside of Merlin's wrist. "Merlin. What do you think about where we are heading? What's going to be with us?"

Merlin's gaze was fond and intense, almost fierce on his face. "I love you Arthur, you should understand that. We'll find a way to make it work. We'll work."

Arthur couldn't speak. This was how he'd dreamed about Merlin would look at him if he ever confessed. These were the words he'd refused to let himself dream of hearing.

Dazed, he threw his arms around Merlin and clung for his life, pressing his lips to Merlin's messy hair. If he could, he was sure he would have crawled inside Merlin. His heart seared when Merlin's arms came up and closed tightly around his back.

"I love you Merlin. I'm so desperately in love with you. It takes my breath away every time I see you." Arthur murmured into Merlin's hair, his voice roughened. Then, he lifted a hand and gently tipped Merlin's head back to look into those beautiful, soulful eyes. " Sometimes, it frightens me, this terrible need I have for you. "

Merlin arched a brow, but before he could say anything Arthur touched his lips to Merlin's and felt the tremors. The taste of Merlin bewitched him, love and pleasure burned through him as Merlin's mouth moved against his sinuously, inviting him deeper. His heart pounded like thunder and Arthur knew it was for Merlin, and only for him.

When they parted, both of them gasped for breath.

Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's temple and lingered over it with a smile and dreamy eyes.

 _Yes, they could do it. They could make it work._

He knew there was more that had to be said, had to be asked. But not tonight.

These thoughts gave way to another thought, calling in a future that was theirs, that was golden and brilliant. Arthur's lips curled as he felt a warm glow of pride for the man in his arms at what they might one day together achieve.

He, Merlin and Merlin's magic.


End file.
